Ep. 7 - Loneliness
In this episode, the hosts are dialoguing about loneliness as a fundamental existential experience, the difference between loneliness and solitude, the felt experience of loneliness, and how to deal with loneliness. The hosts’ check-in about their own experience with loneliness anticipates some of the key features of this experience such as its paradoxical character- both painful and something that could be sought after, dark and precious at the same time-, its connection with solitude, and how the experience of loneliness has been more often encountered in our personal and professional lives due to Covid-19 pandemic.
The distinction and connection between loneliness and aloneness or solitude are further discussed: while loneliness is usually perceived as a painful experience that most of us may want to shorten or avoid as much as possible, the solitude of being alone is both a chosen experience of drawing nearer to oneself to live the intimacy with oneself, and an existential given as our separateness and uniqueness are inherent to who we are as human beings. As Yalom (1980) pointed out, the existential separateness sometimes painfully lived as existential isolation or alienation represents an intrinsic part of our existence when we feel that no matter how close or intimate we are with others, nobody will understand our experience fully and we will never be able to fully understand the other person’s experiences. On the flip side, this separateness can also be experienced as an opportunity to become aware of oneself, to connect with oneself, and to live in intimacy with oneself when we choose to spend time in solitude, with ourselves, in the shelter of our own inner home. While ontologically we are embedded within a web of relationships and long for connection and belonging, existentially we are alone as we become aware, take up, and even celebrate our uniqueness and distinctiveness.
As Moustakas (1990) wrote, while loneliness is experienced as the pain of being alone, the solitude is experienced as the glory of being alone. While loneliness is painful not only because of the disconnect from others but also due to self-estrangement and disconnect from oneself, being alone in solitude may lead to a strengthened relationship with oneself and to living one’s authenticity more vibrantly. Although loneliness and aloneness are felt very differently, they are also intimately connected and sometimes it is possible that someone arrives at embracing the experience of being alone after enduring the pain of loneliness as an insatiable longing for the other, for connection or for belonging.
Some common sources of loneliness are the scarcity or unavailability of good relationships with others, not belonging to or feeling disconnected from a community, not knowing oneself or feeling estranged from oneself. As human beings, we have a desire to be known by others and to be encountered. When this longing is thwarted for any reasons, a painful experience of loneliness sets in together with a frantic desperation to look for something or somebody who could alleviate the discomfort. Paradoxically, the more we long for a relief from outside, from the other, the more we become estranged from ourselves and the less likely its is that we will be able to receive the experience of being known and seen by the others. It is a relatively common experience, especially in psychotherapy, that those people who feel very lonely and are frantically looking for a relationship, are those unable to receive or hold on to the experience of being seen and known in a personal encounter. Often, it seems that having a good inner relationship with oneself represents the receptacle for receiving and experiencing the full healing power of the interpersonal relationships.
Of course, this has to be understood in the broader context of human development: ontogenetically, infants and young children develop their sense of self and separateness in and through relationships with primary caregivers. Hence, any disturbances in these early relational may not allow for a coherent sense of self to fully develop, and these experiences may become the blueprint of a long standing feeling of isolation, disconnect and loneliness that could be experienced as chronic emotional pain or numbness throughout one’s life.
Dealing with loneliness does not mean reaching out for a quick fix such as a distraction or someone who can take it away or diminish it. Loneliness is a state of being to be experienced not something to be fixed; loneliness belongs to the realm of being not to that of doing. Hence, becoming aware of how we feel when we are lonely, being able to make space and turn towards that experience, and feel the pain or discomfort may be stepping stones towards finding or building the inner ground of the relationship with oneself. In therapy, the relationship with the therapist is critical in developing this inner ground and relationship. Acknowledging and readjusting some relational expectations such as the expectation that the other should make us feel better and less lonely is also helpful together with a clearer understanding about what is it that we need from the other and whether this is realistic or possible. In the context of the social media culture, it is important to be aware of the unhelpful and damaging messages that tell us that be should never feel lonely since connections are only one click away, and that if we feel lonely is our problem or something is wrong with us. Learning how to detect and protect ourselves from such implicit unhelpful injunctions is very important. Ultimately, being aware that loneliness is a state of being that is neither good or bad in itself but rather an opportunity to encounter our existence and ourselves more deeply is something that could make all of us less scared of being lonely and perhaps more open to choose solitude at times, and the chance to encounter and be with ourselves.
