Ep. 6 - Ghosting: Projection, Withdrawal & Abandonment
In this lively episode, the hosts explore the phenomenon of ghosting and sister phenomena such as emotional dishonesty and relational betrayal that fall along the continuum of relational abandonment. We most commonly encounter ghosting in today’s world of dating, usually through online means such as dating apps like Tinder or Bumble. Or going on a date with someone and then never hearing from them again.
Wikipedia describes ghosting as “a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said partner, friend, or individual. The term originated in the early 2000s. In the following decade, media reported a rise in ghosting, which has been attributed to the increasing use of social media and online dating apps.”
The hosts share personal experiences of having ghosted and been ghosted themselves—from lighthearted dating experiences to relational betrayal and abandonment. Through the phenomenological dialogue, a couple of factors that emerged which seemed to be pertinent to ghosting and relational betrayal alike was the notion of emotional dishonesty, vulnerability, the ability to stand with oneself, and the protection of others from pain.
Beginning with ghosting, we highlight the current online dating climate to be akin to online shopping—where there is a lack of an “I-Thou” (Buber), subject-to-subject, person-to-person relationship between human beings. Instead we find “I-It”, object-to-object, persona-to-persona attractions and pseudo-relationships that are formed in online contexts which make it difficult to cultivate personal connections. There is no scarcity of “product” supply with these apps, as with a swipe you may easily remove and replace a person from your shopping basket. It is hard to recognize and remember the human being on the other side of the screen. Ghosting is on the rise and we’ve acclimatized to it and some would say it’s even to be expected in the dating game. So if we expect it, why can it hurt so much?
A ghost in essence is para-normal, that which looks and appears to be true and real, but in actuality is not so genuinely authentic. There appears to be a lack of depth and vulnerability in the type of dating or friendship in which ghosting thrives—which begs the question of whether or not the relationships are really real in the first place, or if they manifest as real, and thus have a ghost-like or “as if” quality? This may be the reason by which ghosting can be truly painful when it happens to you—the projections, secret hopes, and withheld feelings or lack of desire of one online persona relating to another online persona borrows the vulnerable nature of a true person-to-person encounter, without the actual same investment and risk.
In more extreme forms, this can become relational betrayal when true feelings are withheld. It is the experience of losing someone as you experience them perhaps being physically present but increasingly emotionally distant. You may double down on your effort to revive the relationship and attempt to initiate contact or resuscitation, only to realize the immense suffering of being in a dying relationship, or discovering it has in fact long been dead. Emotional dishonesty can occur on many levels, like stating, “I wish I could hang out, but I’m super busy”, when really you just may not feel a connection to the person and wish to spare their feelings. At its worst relationally, you may be the recipient of out-of-the-blue relational abandonment and betrayal, where the other person without word or expression has disappeared like a ghost from the relationship you shared, or thought you shared. This is immensely painful, and is more harmful, damaging, and dishonouring of the relationship than to just have been given authentic feelings and vulnerability. The pain of being told earlier on, “hey, I just don’t feel like we’re a good fit romantically”, is far preferred to gut-wrenching heartbreak of relational abandonment.
How to Show Up More Fully in Relationships:
- Be willing to own your likes, dislikes, and attractions. Be willing to stand with yourself in how you feel, and practice mustering up the courage to share.
- Start small. Next time you’re invited to a party you don’t actually have the inner consent to attend but find yourself tempted to people-please or not hurt feelings, enter into dialogue with yourself and ask yourself what you’re feeling, and take the risk to share with the other person your true reason for not attending. (Ex. Thanks for the invite, but tonight I am just needing some alone time to recharge). This mustering of courage may then grow and spread into higher risk situations like potential conflict with a loved one.
- It’s not your job to prevent/keep the other person from suffering at the expense of your feelings, experiences, or lack of desire to be in relationship. You may rob them of a human experience, that maybe not everyone will like them/fall in love with them. Rejection is a human experience.
- Check your inner consent to be in relationship or not to be—dialogue with yourself and turning toward yourself and your experience will also be able to help you as you turn toward the other person and relate to them.
References
Buber, Martin. 1958. I and Thou. New York: Scribner.
