Ep. 8 - Emotional (Dis)Honesty & Relational Responsibility
What is it like for you to respond when someone asks, “How are you?” or “How are you doing?” - it is a question that has become a socially accepted way of engaging in a short amount of time, and often our responses don’t authentically reflect how we’re actually feeling or doing.
In this episode, the hosts discuss the nature of emotional dishonesty and relational responsibility. Through reflection and dialogue, we recognize that emotional dishonesty is ultimately a form of expression that doesn’t reflect one’s internal process; whether we are aware of our internal emotional climate or not. There is a discrepancy; an incongruence; and out-of-sync-ness that marks the difference between what is felt and what is presented.
However, is it emotionally dishonest if there are good, ethical, and maybe even moral reasons to not share one’s true feelings? There may be occasions when we decide to hold back, if we assess that the other person lacks the capacity to hear and hold what we have to say. In some cases, complete and total emotional disclosure may cause damage to the other party. Kant asks the question, “When is it moral to tell a lie?”
In Existential Analysis, we recognize that telling the truth at all costs could be an act of violence, as it holds the power to be extremely wounding if the other person lacks the capacity to receive it and hold it. There is an ethical dilemma that presents itself as we assess what to reveal emotionally and what may be too overwhelming. This speaks to the importance of open dialogue with oneself, the other person, and the context to determine what would be the most relationally responsible emotional disclosure.
Emotional dishonesty doesn’t apply to those situations in which we are being relationally responsible. But, we recognize as human beings that our capacity for self deception is high. So can we trust that we are accurately perceiving what would be relationally responsible or another person’s capacity? Are you aware of your own feelings, and then making a conscious decision about to share or not to share? People may actually have more capacity than we endow them with. Do we have the right to decide for the other? Sometimes we imagine the other as more fragile than they are and we attempt to protect them from suffering. How ethical is it to make a decision for the other? We may be robbing them, and ourselves, of an encounter.
There is a weighing of values and risks that must occur when contemplating emotionally honest disclosure. In high stakes scenarios or conflict, the tension between standing by one’s authenticity or preserving a relationship at all costs is certainly felt. And then, is it really true relationship with a person if we are preserving the relationship under false pretence or inauthentically?
There are two primary reasons for being emotionally dishonest:
Not to burden the other
Not to cause conflict
To protect oneself
Underneath these reasons is an avoidance of suffering. It is much easier to be emotionally honest with positive or lighter emotions and less so with negative emotions, such as anger. What/Whom do we want to protect when we are dishonest emotionally? We find that there is an increase of suffering in relationship when we delay honesty and the tension between staying true to ourselves emotionally and preserving the relationship builds. It is much more painful when the truth comes out in relationship later or after-the-fact. We also look at our own emotional honesty with ourselves - are we really able to admit things to ourself that we would rather not? This openness to even what we resist or neglect emotionally is part of what emotional intelligence is made of. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to then being able to engage with difficult emotions. However, if we can engage with our own emotions honestly, then it becomes easier to engage in emotionally honest ways in relationships.
In order to have an authentic dialogue that is also relationally responsible, it’s important to create the proper conditions. We can foster an authentic encounter by checking in with the other person, and also taking into account when the other person may be most receptive. The other person also carries the responsibility of saying, “This is too much for me right now”. We must also check with ourselves and ask, “How am I thinking and feeling right now?” and “What are my impulses and understandings here?” The ability to stay attuned and engaged with oneself and the other person allows for open and meaningful dialogue to occur. Giving the time and space for checking in and a posture of care and closeness appears to be the most important factors in creating the proper conditions.
A term and relational approach to dialogue that we use as therapists is immediacy. It looks like, “How is it for you to hear this from me?”, or “This is what I feel when I hear you say this to me”. The dialogue becomes about the relational process right here and now, often more so than the content being shared.
How to move to more authentic emotional expression with others:
Start speaking from the 1st person: “I” as opposed to “you”. Speaking about oneself from the position of the general “you” is circling around one’s emotional experience. These colloquial you-isms speak to generalities, rather than giving a personal response.
As yourself what you are feeling, even if you don’t know why. Try to describe the feeling, before understanding the meaning. Attend to the physical sensation that comes with the feeling. All emotions have physical sensations that accompany them.
Seek to understand yourself first before expecting others to understand you. It is not relationally responsible to expect the other to do this work that you are supposed to do.
Ask yourself if you have the ability to stay with yourself and to stand with yourself if you’re going to share
Ask yourself, “What is the price I am willing to pay?” “Can I tolerate the cost?”
Ask yourself, “What is the worst that is going to happen here?” We often overestimate or catastrophize the fragility of the other person or the possibility of risk. Broaden your perspective by asking yourself, “If you were to share - what do you imagine the realistic ideal, good, or bad outcomes would be?”
Ultimately, it takes so much courage to be emotionally honest with oneself and with the other. We offer this challenge to you: Next time someone asks you how you are, can you share how you actually are? Notice for yourself how you weigh the value of your own authentic expression with relational responsibility or relational preservation.
