Season 2, Episode 2: Encountering Myself
Experiencing myself as an ‘I’ different than the ‘you’ and yet in relationship with a ‘you’ evokes a feeling of awe and mystery. The fact that I can sense and articulate that I am me, unique, irreducible, and unrepeatable is quite astonishing: I am myself and no one else is exactly like me. With this comes a sense of awe, responsibility, and a great trembling since this also means that I am alone, distinct, separate, and solely responsible for my own life. It means both the joy and freedom of living authentically and the possibility of suffering the pangs of loneliness, rejection, and abandonment. And yet, even in the worst moments, I am still with myself- even if not fully aware of this- and it is possible that I turn towards myself, encounter myself, comfort myself and stand with and by myself.
Encountering myself means turning towards myself the way I would turn towards someone I cherish or love and whom I would like to know more deeply and to spend time with. It is similar to encountering a dear friend or our beloved. Encountering oneself is the adventure of a lifetime. As Jung wrote, we meet ourselves again and again in myriad of disguises during our lives. But how do I know that it is me the one I encounter? How can I know that it is me who shows up when I turn my attention inwardly?
In Existential Analysis, we say that my own person or who I am in my essence is “that which speaks ‘I’ within me”. The inner voice that emerges from the depth of my being, speaks to me, and invites me to listen. To hear it, I need to listen, to be quiet, curious, open yet focused. I need to quiet the external noise and attune to my core: who is speaking within me when I am by myself, in silence, away from noise and distractions? Can I detect or sense myself in those moments? Can I feel myself as who I am at my core or in my essence? Can I be with myself? Can I hear myself speak within me? And if I listen to myself, am I able to respond, to engage in dialogue with myself? Do I enjoy this inner dialogue in which I encounter myself? Do I make time for it? Am I looking forward to it every day?
Paradoxically, I can also experience or encounter myself more fully in self-transcendent experiences such as love, enjoying or making art, when I am in awe with the beauty of nature, gazing in the eyes of a baby, or fully engaged in a physical activity.
When am in a state of flow, fully present and oriented towards whatever is generating that self-transcendent state of bliss, I come close to myself and I find myself in intimacy with myself as much as I experience myself in closeness or even oneness with the experience itself.
Turning towards myself and having a dialogue with myself are essential for weaving the complex tapestry of who I am, and for good relationships. If I cannot dialogue with myself and do not enjoy encountering myself, it is unlikely that I am very good at dialoguing with others or encountering others. The way I am with myself it is ultimately how I am with others, in spite of my wishes to believe otherwise. I am the most constant, reliable partner for myself. Others may come and go and yet I remain myself and with myself, sometimes even against my wishes. If I enjoy my own company then being alone can be bliss. But if I cannot stand myself, if I feel uncomfortable with myself or I cannot be myself, then being alone becomes the agony of loneliness and no relationships or amount of external validation will ever fill the void and absence left by me not showing up at the encounter with myself.
As therapists, we can encourage our clients to turn inwardly to listen and hear themselves rather than listening to all the expectations, judgments and demands placed on them by various people or circumstances in their life. To hear their own voice, to feel their own experience and to live from that intimacy with themselves. The most impactful way to cultivate this attitude is when we as therapists connect with ourselves and listen to ourselves, to our hunches or body sensations as we encounter our clients and when we bring these into the therapeutic dialogue to model inner attunement, presence, and self-encounter. We can encourage clients to encounter themselves by gently inviting them to check-in with themselves regularly (“How are you feeling right now? What do you notice within yourself in this moment?” ), by suggesting them to reflect on what they like and dislike, by encouraging them to take a position and make decisions or by simply inviting a moment of silence, slowing down, gazing inwardly and cultivating silence and solitude. For clients who enjoy journaling, engaging in a written inner dialogue is a great opportunity to discover or encounter oneself. For clients who prefer a more imaginative, dramatized venue towards encountering themselves, we can encourage them to have a conversation with themselves by imagining an inner partner who asks and responds to questions. For artistic people, designing a collage of their inside world and then stepping into a dialogue with its various elements may also be helpful.
Suggested readings referenced in Episode 2:
Georg W. F. Hegel - Theory of Recognition
Martin Buber - I and Thou
Suggested Film & TV referenced in Episode 2:
