Ep. 11 - Finding Meaning in Our Everyday Existence
In Episode 11, the hosts discuss meaning. We ask the question of whether we're conceiving of meaning as something that is over-arching, or more personal? One of the hosts describes having perhaps abandoned an overarching meaning of life, but finds existence to be very meaningful and fulfilling in a personal way.
Abraham Maslow coined the term "suchness meaning" which is described as the meaning of something in and of itself. When applied to ourselves, we may find that being as present as possible to what is currently happening in each moment is meaningful. Being oriented towards the present allows for a full experience of life. In describing suchness meaning, Maslow expresses, "What is the meaning of a leaf, a fugue, a sunset, a flower, a person? They “mean” themselves, explain themselves, and prove themselves. You can’t make sense of many basic experiences in life. “You can’t be rational about them; they just are. About all you can do with them is simply to recognize their existence, to accept them, and, whenever possible, to enjoy them in their richness and mystery, at the same time realizing that they constitute much of the answer to the question ‘What is the meaning of life?’”
It is also important to recognize the difference between making sense of something and meaning, as they are often conflated. Most people really strive to make sense of their lives or what is going on and perhaps not as much attention is given to finding the meaning. The process of finding the meaning in one's own life includes really connecting in a personal way to something, remaining open to experience, and nurturing the ability to detect what the most valuable possibilities in one's life are. We delineate, then, that making sense of experience is more like finding a coherent narrative for what has happened or is happening, whereas finding meaning is really being able to sense what the valuable possibilities are that open up our existence to a fulfilling present and future - our own existential project.
Sometimes finding meaning is understood as something located outside of ourselves that we strive for to attain, like a goal. For example, "if I achieve X, I will find my meaning." It is important to pay attention to when the word "goal" arises, as it could point to a person trying to find meaning through achievement rather than actually discovering meaning. It is an important distinction to note that having a goal and finding meaning are not the same thing. Meaning is found in the context of turning towards ourselves in the context of and dialogue with the world; not to look outside ourselves and make a rational decision that the striving for and attainment of an achievement will bring us meaning.
This is also shown in how many of our client sessions begin in the first session with, "what are your goals for therapy?" Psychotherapy, as a process where one often finds and experiences meaning, it may be more appropriate to find another word for goals, one of our hosts suggests the use of the word "themes" instead. Often clients will come into psychotherapy to fix themselves, when really, the process is about becoming oneself. This leads to another important distinction between finding meaning and creating meaning. According to Viktor Frankl's work, the existential question that life gives us is to find meaning, not to make meaning and to make it at all costs. Sometimes this means that we must also be open to the possibility of not finding meaning and experiencing meaninglessness.
What is the experience like of meaninglessness? It can experienced as boredom, aimlessness, to being a very dark place to find oneself in. To be able to name something as meaningless also gives us ground upon which to stand, it creates a spaciousness knowing that we do not need to make sense of what is meaningless or absurd. This is particularly true in the case of tragedy, where it can be so harmful to create a meaning out of it. It can be very damaging to impose a meaning where no meaning is to be found, for example, in cases of the loss of a child or an accident that permanently alters ability. Platitudes like, "everything happens for a reason" or "you get back what you put out there" are harmful to the person experiencing tragedy or loss of meaning, and in fact, such platitudes often create further isolation and accelerate the unraveling of meaning while further deepening the meaninglessness. It is important to create and hold space where people can say, "this is meaningless".
One of our hosts describes personal experience with meaninglessness where it has felt akin to death. She describes the grief of losing something that once held meaning and the abyss between experiencing the loss and finding meaning once again. She quotes Viktor Frankl, "What is unknowable need not be unbelievable. In fact, where knowledge gives up the torch, is passed on to faith. True. It is not possible to find out intellectually whether everything is ultimately meaningless or whether there is ultimate meaning behind everything. But if we cannot answer the question intellectually, we may do so existentially. Where intellectual cognition fails, an existential decision is due. Vis a vis, the fact that is equally conceivable that everything is absolutely meaningful and that everything is absolutely meaningless. In other words, that the scales are equally high. We must throw the weight of our being into one of the scales." We further describe then this experience of finding meaning, not even so much so in the sense of seeking it out, but rather receiving it. It is just there, and we just experience it.
Important questions to ask to discover meaning in a receiving sort of way are, "What's a better life?" "What do I enjoy?" "Where does my existence blossom?" "What do I feel fulfilled by, excited by, and ignited by?" "What do I experience as good in my life?" We can settle in as recipients to the answers of these personal-existential questions. In this way we receive our experience and we also choose to decide what our response will be. Janelle provides an example of being in the throes of meaninglessness, trusting the meaningfulness of life, and remaining open to encountering the possibilities.
When we ask ourselves what we find most meaningful in our existence, we realize that sometimes the cup of coffee that we drink in the morning or needing to take care of a pet are the most meaningful things on days where it is excruciatingly difficult to rise from bed. We sincerely hope for any of our listeners who are suffering, that this isn't a long period of suffering for you. If there is so much meaninglessness and suffering, it is ok to lie on this ground until even the smallest, seemingly insignificant thing can give a sliver of joy or meaning. In fact, it is often the smallest things in life that can give the greatest joy. An example is given of taking an extra few seconds or minutes on a walk to notice and experience the leaves on the trees or a particular flower that we pass by. Even smiles shared between strangers within the folds of existence can be found as meaningful. These are glimpses that may open up the reality we experience, even just for a moment.
As therapists we find our work very meaningful. It is a very rich experience to be able to meet with clients in a setting that allows them to be fully themselves. It is very, very meaningful to be part of that kind of encounter and that kind of dialogue. It is hard to compare it with other workplace settings, to be able to be a participant in the therapeutic shared space that exists and that allows for a person to come fully into being. This is a very different feeling than having met a goal or achieved something, the feeling that comes with it is being able to detect the goodness in life and in encounter.
To be able to experientially find or receive meaning, according to Existential Analysis, there are some conditions of existence that must be fulfilled in order to do this. The first condition is that it is important to have a secure, safe existence where we feel our physical existence is supported. The second condition is that it is important to have relationships, good relationships, and to be in touch with our feelings and allow ourselves to be moved. The third condition of existence is the ability and freedom to be ourselves, to take up our identity in relationships and encounters with others. With these conditions fulfilled, we are more likely to find meaning, however it is not a guarantee.
Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the concentration camps, would also say that in spite of not having any of those conditions fulfilled we can still find meaning. To be able to affirm the meaning of something, it's important to experience an emotional connection and closeness, to be able to detect the value, to have empathy, to have a felt sense of the essence. This speaks to the capacity to experience, which can be cultivated and grown. We may pass through life looking at our shoes hitting the concrete, and fail to notice the flowers. It could be a matter of not having grown a capacity for perception and openness. If we are caught in our own reality too much, we may not be able to slow down and may miss the opportunity to be touched emotionally and to feel that something is personally relevant, and to feel the potential meaning there. The hosts then wrap up this episode with our understanding of suicide and addiction as they relate to meaning and meaninglessness.
