Ep. 10 - Becoming Who We Are - Authenticity & the Therapeutic Encounter
In this episode the hosts engage in a lively dialogue about authenticity, instantiated both in the everyday life and in the therapeutic encounter, and reflect on the ways in which we can live more authentically and becoming more ourselves.
Getting in touch with our authenticity is something that we can practice every moment by simply checking in with ourselves: How are we doing right now? How are we moved by what is going on around us or inside of us? What would we like to do? What do we choose to do? Responding sincerely to these questions could be done inwardly in dialogue with ourselves as well as outwardly by sharing our experience with others. Thus, authenticity is both sharing of the self with others and an inner process of dialoguing with ourselves.
Sharing authentically does not mean sharing indiscriminately and unfiltered everything that we feel in any given situation but rather attuning to what is appropriate to share in specific contexts, exercising discernment, and setting boundaries. Discerning the other’s capacity to hear and hold our truthful experience is essential, and sometimes deciding not to share some experiences may be the authentic choice if we suspect that the other does not have capacity to receive our truth.
When we share authentically, in accordance with our own experience and attuned to the context, we tend to feel lighter in our body, and less restless as the neediness or pressure vanish. When we show up authentically, the others can sense our full, “enfleshed”, tangible and unequivocal presence. We become real and solid rather than flimsy or translucent.
We live and act authentically when our presence, our choices and our actions correspond to who we are, not just in one discrete, static moment, but over time, as we show up in our existential projects and contributions to the world. Authenticity means to stand in our truth in our own existence and to give ourselves permission to show up as ourselves Being authentic means to become the author of our existence by taking up and fulfilling certain possibilities from the ocean of possibilities that surround us, making our existence ours and putting our signature on our existence by exercising our freedom to choose and act accordingly. Authenticity unfolds in becoming ourselves and shines in our actions. The key question is: Am I acting in accordance with myself, my values and with who I want to become knowing that who I am now will change?
Being open to be reached and impacted by what is going on outwardly and inwardly is an important condition for living authentically. This state of openness comes with a sense of vulnerability that can be scary at times, but it is essential for making our own choices in each situation and to act accordingly. When we are authentic, we are open and moved by what reaches us, feel our emotions, take a position toward what our feeling tell us, and then act according to our position. This dialogical openness can be practiced in very concrete, everyday situations such as choosing a place to eat at lunch. Starting small and persisting in this process of finding out how we feel and what we really want, where we stand and then acting accordingly is a powerful way to cultivate a more authentic presence in the world.
It is important to note that sometimes being authentic and showing up authentically can be very scary experiences as they may threatened someone’s sense of belonging or a significant relationship. Gabor Mate noted that when the attachment needs are threatened, people tend to forgo authenticity out of the fear of losing their experience of belonging. This is more often the case if someone experienced developmental trauma that did not allow to become who they are for the sake of preserving some resemblance of safety and belonging.
In psychotherapy, we can support and encourage our clients to become authentic by cultivating relational immediacy in the sense of sharing with our clients how we, as therapists, are experiencing them and our therapeutic relationship. By showing up as therapists in offering our impressions to the client, we can draw out client’s capacity to be real and show up authentically. The personal encounter is the cornerstone of nurturing authentic presence in the therapy sessions: seeing the other’s essence through my own essence and acknowledging that only the essential can see the essential. This invites us as therapists to live closely to our essence, to who we are, rather than getting lost in roles and therapeutic interventions. When we encounter our clients authentically, from our core, there is a quite different feel to the therapeutic session: a feeling of fullness, presence, and changes in how we perceive the time (i.e., time flies). It is important to acknowledge that although authenticity seems to be about oneself and becoming oneself, it is truly lived in relationships and the more you are you and the more I am me, the more we discover who we really are.
As therapists, it is important to nurture our own authentic presence with our clients by being open to be moved by them and responding openly and immediately. Equally important is how we live outside the therapeutic context. It is critical to discover the myriad ways in which we can be ourselves outside our therapist’s role in order to become more authentic therapists. If the therapist role takes too much space in our lives, it becomes harder to become authentic therapists. This highlights the importance of the personal work that we must do to uncover and own our repressed or suppressed parts of ourselves. That way we can show up more freely and fully when we are with our clients and our presence becomes an invitation for our clients to access and share more of themselves with us.
