Ep. 16 - Grief: Turning Towards Our Losses
In this episode, the hosts engage in a dialogue about grief understood as a personal response of turning towards the losses that we experience. Grief is a quintessential human experience that reveals an experienced loss of the value of life - we may grieve over the loss of a person dear to us, a pet, a dream that we did not have the chance to fulfill, a valuable possibility, and even the loss of ourselves. Anything that we experience as valuable gives rise to grief once we lose it. Given the omnipresence of grief in our lives, this episode will focus on how to turn towards our losses intentionally, how to make space for grief, and how to support those who are grieving. As painful as grief feels, it is, in fact, a way to reconnect with life and with the value of life in the aftermath of a loss.
In Existential Analysis, grief is understood as the personal activity of turning towards one’s losses. This means that grieving represents an active process of intentionally engaging with a lost value, and implicitly, with the loss of life value since in everything we value we affirm the value of life itself. Although painful, grieving reconnects us with life and with the value of life. Hence, the importance of grieving our losses and turning towards them intentionally by giving time and space for grief to unfold.
Many people tend to fear grief and try to find ways to avoid it by distracting themselves with other activities, overfocusing on achievements and accomplishments, feeling angry rather than sad, or by numbing their sadness and other associated emotions. These coping mechanisms may be very helpful initially and even for a while after the loss but if they are not gradually replaced with a personal response of turning towards what has been lost, these reactions may disconnect one from life even further and potentially may lead to depressive symptoms.
Thus, knowing how to be with our grief in the sense of turning towards our losses is essential. A first step in this typically long and convoluted journey is to allow ourselves to feel whatever emotions may come up in us in the aftermath of a loss. These emotions may be very intense and varied-shock, rage, pain, deep sadness, or hopelessness are all possible. Opening up to experiencing these emotions makes our loss feel more and more real. At the same time, the more we experience the reality of our loss the more we connect with our emotions elicited by the loss. Accepting our loss means to be able to let it be, and to acknowledge the reality of the loss. It does not mean agreeing with what happened or being content with what happened. Rather we may be profoundly sad and in pain as we accept that we lost something of great importance.
Turning towards oneself with care and compassion in the midst of this suffering is also critical while grieving. It is of great importance to be able to reconnect with ourselves inwardly, to be by our side compassionately, and to engage in dialogue with ourselves by acknowledging and caring for the pain we feel. At the same time, we may also reach out to close people whom we trust to receive their love and comfort. Although grief is pulling us inwardly as we withdraw from the world to touch base with ourselves and to be with ourselves, we may also need the caring presence of the others who accompany us in this process. Allowing ourselves to be comforted and cared for is essential for moving through grief.
Slowly, we may begin to find a new way of being in the world as we learn to be with ourselves and with the world after such an important loss. The process of reorienting to ourselves and to the world is a gradual process that has its own timing and pace, and cannot be rushed. Grief is such a personal experience that arbitrary timelines about how long it should last make no sense and could potentially be harmful.
For counsellors and psychotherapists who work with clients who are grieving it is important to note that grieving is a fundamental human experience to be encountered and held, and not to be treated. The person who is grieving needs to be accompanied and encountered by a caring, empathic, comforting person, not to be taught how to “work through” grief to get better or to get over it. Hence, in clinical practice, it is important to invite and make space for grief, to gently encourage our clients to experience their emotions brought up by a loss, to hold space and offer comfort, to trust the intrinsic wisdom of the process of turning towards, and to accompany the person to relearn themselves and the world. Any desire to rush, structure or pathologize this process is not only meant to backfire but may also cause harm and deepen one’s suffering.
